Peace, Love and Hippie Shit
I've spent the last several years " getting healthy". I spent a good portion of the earlier part of my life in and out of Doctors and Hospitals trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I always felt broken, both physically and mentally. At one point, I got tired of that route and began seeking out more natural methods and what my friends fondly refer to as "hippie shit" and through many trial and error experimentations, found a path that worked for me. I still had an occasional cold or stomach bug, but on the whole, I was so much better, that those things seemed minimal. I felt I was mostly on the path to wholeness and healing.
Not only has MY health been a challenge this year, but both of my Dads and my Aunt have had cancer and a host of other health issues. It has been an incredibly difficult year for me personally, but also just for our family in general...And all the hippie shit just couldn't fix it.
We often look at each other and say, "How can we handle more?" And honestly, there are days when you just can't. So you yell at someone or you curl up in bed with the dog for 5 hours in the middle of the day or you drink a couple glasses of something that makes it all go away for the night. But we all still get up everyday and try again and keep loving each other through the very large amount of shit we are shuffling through right now.
The most interesting thing about this season, is that in the midst of all this, I have been more spiritually content and fulfilled than ever in my life. I will start to panic about something and then, ever so gently, I am filled with hope and a promise of healing. It doesn't happen every time, and sometimes it doesn't last very long before the panic sets in again with the barrage of "what if's" that my mind can spin. But it's beautiful when it does happen and I recognize it for all its beauty, because of the lack of it I had most of my life.
I am talking about peace.
Peace that surpasses all understanding. Truly.
Up until this past year, I could count on one hand the moments when I've experienced true peace in my life. I am sure they were all around me, but I just couldn't ever figure out how to tap into them or hold onto them. But these days, the moments of peace come so fast and furiously, that I couldn't document all of them, even if I tried. And I'm realizing, that's because I watch gratefully for them in the midst of my chaos and daily stress of life. There is not a formula or a 12 step program for peace. I think it just finds you when you have come to the end of yourself and you decide you don't have to be at war with yourself anymore.
Some would say read your bible. Some would say pray or meditate. Some would say deep breathing. And while all of these are most definitely paths to peace, only you can decide if you will find it in any of those places. I have deep breathed myself right into a panic attack with a BIBLE in my hands, so the tools are not THE PEACE. The peace is more elusive and mysterious in my opinion, almost magical. And when you find it, you celebrate it and you fill yourself full of it and know that it most definitely will float away for a time, but that it will always come back if you are looking for it.
Peace. It is well.